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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Big Time Sorry

Posted at 3/14/2007 7:06:22 pm by gak
(8) Have Been Clubbed


God Says Yes To Me

Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes



Posted at 3/14/2007 2:10:42 pm by gak
Club me!!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2007
9 Hours--- and No Annoyances!

Dare I jinx this, but it was a terrific first date.  T-rrrifico!!  The Beer Guy called me at 11 am and we talked for a half hour and he said, "hey, the weather's great! let's make an early start of it!"  And I said, "Sure thing!"  And thus, plans were made to meet at a complete dive bar at 4 pm...  I was nervous and if i had collected the sweat from my palms, I'd probably have about 6 ounces of fluid.  I went to Vietnamese nail place and got a (rare) mani-pedi so that I could wear open-toed shoes with confidence.   My nail tech's name was Charlie.  Am I the only one who thinks this is a funny choice of "american name?" lol.  p.s. How do you pronounce "Nguyen?"

We met at Jimmy's Jigger and the best thing when we first met was that he hugged me.  I mean he really hugged me like a big ol' bear. For a whole 5 seconds!  Dammit, good hugs are soooo important to me.  Also, he had great ears!  I am a total ear snob. I can't stand weird chubby earlobes or wavy cartilidge or ear hair and his ears passed the test brilliantly.  I mean, it's not a dealbreaker if they're wonky, but it's nice to see good-looking ears on a man. 

Conversation and beer flowed like, well, like beer!  We had two drinks there, then went next door to a new restaurant I'd never been to.  He used to work with several of the people there so it was nice to see that they really liked him.   Also (pay attention here guys) he introduced me to each of them immediately after he said hello.  Example:  "Brian! Hey man! This is Gak. Gak, I used to work with Brian."   Why is that so hard for dates to remember?  As Damone says in Fast Times, "It's a classy move."

Walked to one more bar on that street and it was getting a wee bit chilly by this time. I didn't have a coat but he said that we could go to the car and get his.  He pulls out a jacket for me and also says, "I got you something."  Then he lifts up a box that says 20 pack Boulevard Pale Ale (I love Pale Ale!) and I thought that was sweet.  He said I had to wait to open it until I got home.  I asked him if it was beer and he said nope. 

This could turn into a novel, but I feel I must document the evening so bear with me here.  This could be my next husband or the fodder for my next box of Kleenex.

Stopped at a place called Fric-n-Frac or something like that and a momentous first hurdle was jumped:  He told me I had a "piece of skin" and motioned to his nose.  Holy Shit! I had a booger!!  And I am sooooooo glad he told me about it with such class!  I mean, this could revolutionize the indication of "You've got a booger!"  When he used the term 'piece of skin' it was like it took the embarrassment out of the situation.  Ironically, and I swear this is true, when I was getting ready earlier, I looked in my mirror and thought to myself, "I wonder if he's the type of guy who would tell me if I had a booger."  And apparently he is!!!!  He takes the shame out of things with his gentle soul.  But he also has a semi-distaste for society so we get along brilliantly!

Beer Guy and a booger free me then decided to head over to Inge's, my favorite piano bar in a strip mall where the minimum age for entry seems to be about 55.   In the parking lot before I got in his car to go there, he asked if he could kiss me b/c he couldn't wait one more minute.  He said he'd been waiting an hour already and had to do it. So I happily obliged.  SCORE! Good kisser!!! And whew, the awkward "Is he going to kiss me?" moment was luckily averted.  

At Inge's we had a blast (is that word too 1950s?) listening to the old lady singers and he sipped Pabst Blue Ribbon while I laughed at him, the Beer Guy, drinking the cheapest shit around.  I got drunk on Pabst and Old Style in 1997 and have never had a sip of either one since.  When you're pulling over outside Wrigley field to throw up peanut butter toast the next morning, the sense memory stays with you.  It also made it hard to enjoy peanut butter toast for several years.

Oops, forgot to mention that we ate dinner at Chick-Fil-A.  I know for a lot of you it's no big deal, but we just got them in Kansas City so he was crazy insane to stop there. He didn't know they'd already opened and when we drove by he flipped.  I think he's from Georgia, actually, and he missed it a lot.  He apologized for the shitty dinner but said he'd make it up to me.  He doesn't like pickles so they were lying there discarded and I gobbled them up.  A perfect match.  lol.   (isn't it funny how the little things seem like happy omens when you want them to be?)

And isn't it hilarious how when you're young you think that adults don't misbehave or have much fun?  And then you find yourself in your mid 30s in the parking lot with the seats reclined, making out like you're a couple of teenagers at the drive-in.   I jumped on him, he jumped on me, and we just necked and laughed and hoped the cops didn't knock on the window .

It's going to be tough to carry out my VDS (Vaginal Defense Strategy) to keep him out of the trenches for a month, but I'm going to persevere.  Like Big Time suggested (Jeesy Keeristo, I can't believe I'm actually listening to Big Time) I will cease shaving, but that's my best idea right now.  And it's actually pretty weak.  But don't you think that jumping in the sack too soon can wreck a good thing?   There's such a short window of opportunity for the pleasure known as dry-humping.  Hee hee.  I mean "pants-on-scissor-action" is an all-too-briefly available phase when you're totally turned on by the newness and the fun of it all but you haven't gotten naked.  Once you fuck, you really can't reclaim the magic of innocent clothes-on grinding can you?

He called me today to say thanks for the great time and said it was a magical evening.  He was out in the woods hiking with his dog and said he'd never called a girl from his special place befoe.   Hmmm, my first thought was, "That's where he must put the dead bodies." 

 I mentioned that I'm going out of town soon and said I hoped we'd see each other before then. He said, "I demand it!"    I thanked him again for the booger check and he said that I'd have to tell him if he had spinach in his teeth.  Then I said, "Oh my other thing is that sometimes I get lipstick on my chin when I eat sandwiches." And he said he'd tell me if I had any on my nose after kissing.  I said, "Dude! Lipstick on my nose? That would have to be with someone with a big mouth. But then again, YOU kind of do have a huge mouth!"  And he said, "All the better to kiss you with, my dear." 

Is that sweetness overload?  Sorry I couldn't help it! It's all true!   Actually, I know that  by commiting this to the blog I have ruined any chances of this turning out well.  There's that chipper Gak attitude! 

Posted at 3/11/2007 5:02:30 pm by gak
(10) Have Been Clubbed

Thursday, March 08, 2007
I got asked to the Spring Fling!

Beer Man asked me out for Saturday!    We talked for an hour and a half last night... could've talked to him all night if I hadn't been so tired.   What a hilarious and intelligent man.  It was like talking to a long lost friend. 

FINALLY!  A guy who emails me and says, "May I call you tomorrow night?"  Then, he actually CALLS... and oh - mah  - God  - actually ASKS ME OUT! 

I should've documented this a little better.  This may need to be sent to Guinness Book of World Records.   But I suppose we'll have to wait and see what Saturday brings before I get too excited.    But hell, it's fun to look forward to something!!!  I can't wait to hug the shit out of him.  I need my hugs, dammit!  And maybe they'll play Open Arms...

Posted at 3/8/2007 10:50:27 am by gak
(8) Have Been Clubbed

Monday, March 05, 2007
LGOP or LBOP... it's still doomed

Here's a portion of the email exchange that went on today between Nibs, the Male Friend Life Guru with whom she works, and me.  I thought it was fairly funny and pretty thought provoking.  Maybe I really am still 13 and this is just a vision of what my life could become, kind of like Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30.   Guess it's time for me to head to the closet and knock the magic glitter onto my head. (it's in that movie. and yeah, i really like that movie-- simple as it is!)

From: gak
Nibs; Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: I'm 13

I was ADDICTED to myspace yesterday. I think I sat in front of the computer for 3 hours or more, just looking up people and getting sucked in.  It’s so dumb. Then, I got an email from a random guy… horrible typist, rotten speller, but hilarious.  And we wrote back and forth for over an HOUR.  It was like passing notes in class.  He made me laugh (for real… out loud!) so many times.  And I can’t really tell from the pics but he looks hot.

 And at the end of the night though, I could NOT fall asleep.   I tossed and turned and I think it’s b/c I was a lazy piece of p00p all day.  And that I felt very odd about this whole internet thing.

 And I totally wanted this guy to say, “Hey, we’ve just spent an hour emailing each other. Let’s meet for a beer!”  but no, nothing.   Why are men scared to ask women out?  maybe they’ve been burned before, but come on, what’s the harm?  I think most women will give a guy one chance, especially if they’ve been in the dating pool for years, don’t you think?   

From: Male Friend Life Guru
Gak; Nibs
Subject: RE: I'm 13

He probably is just trying not to scare you off which it sounds like after an hour of messages I would have been lets meet for a beer tonight, but that is my novice dating view not conforming to the modern dating guidelines written by smarter people. He seems pretty cool. I noticed you are on his front page of friends. I love that feeling of being child like giddy when you meet someone.

Good luck

From: Nibs
Male Friend Life Guru; Gak
Subject: RE: I'm 13

Well, I had an opposite type of situation.  After a week of really great emails back and forth on Match, I finally got a call from a guy named L******.  Seemed like a good match: he celebrates his birthday at the KY Derby, loves horses, is from KY, is a stockbroker, went to VU, etc..  LGOP.

Anyway, he called and LM on my VM.  His voice was super-southern.  Honestly, it was so Gomer-Pylish that it was a turnoff.  But I decided to suck it up and call him back.  OMG, he talks so figgin slow.  I was on the phone with him for 2 hours.  YES – 2 FLIPPIN HOURS and I don’t think we really talked about all that much.  He talked so slow that there were these long, awkward pauses at the end of everything he said because I wasn’t sure he was finished with his statement.  So frustrating.

He lived in ATL for 7 yrs, moved back home to good old P****** for a few years, then moved back here in 2002 or 2003.  He wants to start his own firm, but doesn’t appear to have the contacts here that are needed to pull it off, so right now he is employed by a firm.  Ok, so far so good, right?  WRONG.  

  1. He’s a renter.  At age 36.  SUCH A TURNOFF.  I mean, commit to living in the ATL and buy a friggin condo or something.
  2. He’s never been to the Aquarium.  Or the High Museum of Art.  Or the World of Coca Cola.  He’s only been to the Fox once.  Doesn’t get out much.  Has pretty much seen every movie that came out last year.  DVD releases, too.  BOOOORING.
  3. He has a “fantasy horse racing stable.”  LAMER THAN BARBARO.
  4. He drives a Civic.  Why is this a problem, you ask?  Well, how successful as a broker do you look if you drive a Civic?  Let’s be real.  If you want to go out on your own and seriously open your own brokerage firm, people have to know that you are trustworthy with their money.  I mean, at LEAST get an Accord or something.  But a friggin Civic?  That spells “college-mobile-I-won’t-grow-up” to me.  Would you invest your money with a guy that drives a Civic and rents an apt?  I know I wouldn’t.

2 hours of my life wasted.  And he asked if I wanted to get together – fortunately we’re both busy for a good solid week.  Gives me one week to come up with a good reason why it wouldn’t ever work without being mean.  I just don’t even see the point.

From: gak
Nibs, Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: RE: I'm 13

What’s LGOP?  Republican I’m guessing? But what’s the “L” for? Maybe he’s a L3sbian? 

 The phone conversation-- that was painful to READ about, let alone experience.  Do you think that he’s cute enough to overcome the speech impediments?  Maybe he’s just not a big phone guy.  Then again, look at me.  I went out with a Goonie..

 Maybe I shouldn’t be fooled by emails.  Seems like I get crushes on people through serious email lovin’ and then it fizzles in real life.  I just wish that life were a little different and that the written chemistry always translated into physical sparks.

 “Lamer than Barbaro?”  girl, you are mean!!!!!!!!!!!!  

From: Nibs
Cc: Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: RE: I'm 13

LGOP – looks good on paper

 Seems to be the cause of nearly every dating disaster…

 Your guy sounds promising, though.  Get him on the phone ASAP so you can get to the bottom of this!!!  And it’s ok that he can’t spell – there’s no spellchecker on MySpace.

To: Nibs, Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: RE: I'm 13

Yeah, I don’t know.  I am just constantly amazed at how often I feel like a teenager waiting to get asked to the Spring Fling.  Or it’s Valentine’s Day and a student council member comes through the door handing out heart-o-grams to the popular kids.  And you wait until the last name is called and suddenly the door closes behind them and you wonder if maybe there’s been a mistake?  You know it really doesn’t matter but at the same time you’d really just like to get one.   Regarding the dance, you go “stag” and have a new outfit from Express, which you’re happy about.  But when “Open Arms” comes on you have to hide out in the bathroom with the other awkward girls.  Some are bawling, some are sneaking cigarettes. I mean there are definitely worse things in life than going solo to an 8th grade dance—you could be in special ed or you could be the girl who got her period at recess while wearing white pants and didn’t notice it. She never lived that one down.  You’re not a whore, so there’s nothing shameful there, but look – all the whores got asked to the dance and you didn’t!  And there are even some of the Special Ed kids who are clumsily wearing ties and taffeta, rocking arms-around-necks to “Faithfully.”  (I guess we were a big Journey school.)  What did you do wrong to be here? Why did no one ask you?  Except for the braces you’re pretty cute. Maybe that hair’s a little wild and curly, but this was the age of perms.  Were the Madonna glove and rubber bracelets a bad choice?  OH THAT’S RIGHT!! YOUR FATHER WAS DISTANT AND NEVER TOUCHED YOU OR SAID I LOVE YOU!!!!    That was so easy.   Thank you, therapy!

Posted at 3/5/2007 6:14:47 pm by gak
(5) Have Been Clubbed

Thursday, March 01, 2007
Serenity Now

My basement flooded bad this morning.   I have had thw worst day ever.  I wish I could be as calm as this lady... drowning and clinging to an airline seat!

Posted at 3/1/2007 1:49:25 pm by gak
(4) Have Been Clubbed

Sunday, February 25, 2007
Church of eHarmony

I know that relationships aren't perfect.  I know that even the best of couples can hate each other some days. And I know that the loneliest place isn't sleeping single in a double bed-- it's lying next to someone without love between you. 

But all that being said, if you are a reader who happens to be one half of a couple, just thank your Lucky Charms that you don't have to be on eHarmony, or match.com or on the dating meat market in general.  (By the time the meat gets to my age it's hamburger anyway.  And it's not ground sirloin. We are talking ground chuck that's been picked up off the floor and repackaged.)

This is the "About Me" that ended up in my eHarm inbox this morning....I am wondering what they base these "matches" off of... and thinking to myself that just like Woody Allen, I would never want to join a club who'd have someone like me as a member. 

The one thing James is most passionate about:

  • I am passionate about the meaning of life and what it means to me. Ooh very deep.  Way to go, passion boy. This would've earned more points if it referenced Monty Python.

The three things which James is most thankful for:

  • My ability to learn Let's not forget opposable thumbs!
  • My family
  • My emotional stability  Meds really help with that.

The most influential person in James's life has been:

  • My mentor was my music teacher from HS. He was a motivational expert and has set goals he, as well as those who follow him, have excelled in.  Aside from the overdose on commas, it sounds like he might just live in a van down by the river.

Three of James's best life-skills are:

  • Using humor to make friends laugh "Oh gak, there was the funniest article in Computer Age this week..."
  • Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
  • Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis   This will be good to know if we're ever cooking dinner and I cut off my finger. He will be calm and "resilient." Hmm, wonder if he knows what resilient means?

The most important thing James is looking for in a person is:

  • I would love to meet someone that can see all of the possibilities in everything.  This reminds me of a concert I was at last year.  Oh so dramatically, the singer said, "I would like to dedicate..." pause pause "this song" pause "to" pause pause pause "EVERYONE!"

The first thing you'll probably notice about James when you meet him:

  • My smile, and hello!   Well hello to you too, Mr. Happy! Your fly is down.

The one thing James wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

  • My life experiance and what I have to offer.   Can't get past the spelling, bud.

James typically spends his leisure time:

  • Making my outside match who I am inside.  *DANGER! DANGER!*

The things James can't live without are:

  • My family
  • My own emotions  
  • My computers
  • All reference material to answer the hard question
  • My airplanes
    We must look at the answers to the above comments collectively. Family? I'll give him that one. Good job. But emotions + computers + reference material + airplanes = a Ziggy-like character getting high on model glue while reading the Bible and whacking off to 3 computers' worth of Gothic Lolita porn.

The last book James read and enjoyed:

  • Celestine Prophecy, even thought fiction was an inspiration to enjoy more that life has to offer through opening my eyes.  Celestine Prophecy was is book 1994 sentence no get read sense. (But on a side-note at least it wasn't the fucking DaVinci Code.)

One thing that only James's best friends know is:

  • I am good at what I do in all aspects but never feel like going overboard at my own back patting.  *Sigh*  I really like the movie Overboard for some mysterious and wonderful reason.

Some additional information James wanted you to know is:

  • I have the ability to relate with others.  I'M A PEOPLE PERSON! I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS! 
The scary thing is that this is not even close to the worst profile I've received.  I think the one I got last week whose most influential person was "Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity" was by far the most terrifying.

P.S.  Website of the morning: 
Post Secret

Just saw her in concert!!!
Van Lear Rose
By Loretta Lynn

Posted at 2/25/2007 10:43:59 am by gak
(5) Have Been Clubbed

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

ok there is this guy i work with. i'll call him "Rick."  cause that's his name.  when he speaks, it's like watching a ventriloquist.  his teeth don't separate and his lips barely move. i'm not quite sure how he does it.  he also has a large mole on his neck that looks like a small piece of popcorn painted brown.  but i guess none of this is really the point.

i believe at some time in the past, Rick may have had a small crush on the old gak.  i just got that feeling.  plus, one time i stopped by his desk to ask him a question and he wasn't there... so i wrote him a note saying to come find me.   later, i found that note tacked to his cube wall.   no joke.

anyway, for the past 8 months or so, Rick has been dating a girl.  great! yay! i'm happy for him... but somehow he manages to work the word "girlfriend" into every damn conversation.   examples:

In the lunchroom--
gak:  Hey Rick, you heatin up some pizza?
rick:   Yeah, me and my girlfriend got Pyramid last night! Buy one get one free.

At the coworker's desk who has candy--
gak:   God, i love Kit Kats.
rick:   My girlfriend's son is in cub scouts and sells popcorn.

Discussing button placement over IM. ("Submit" buttons for our internet software product.)
gak:   Can you change the button appearance?
rick:   What? Why do you want to?
gak:   I've had some requests.
rick;   I didn't even give you a button.
gak:   Huh?
rick:   Sorry, but I ran out.  My girlfriend can get more though. She works at the Y.
gak:  I have no idea what you're talking about.
rick:  Oh, I thought you meant the YMCA buttons I was giving out the other day. My girlfriend gave me a bunch to give out.

so basically, this dude takes ANY conversation and turns it into a vehicle for discussing his girlfriend.  i think i'm going try talking about tampons,  acne cream and russian bears wearing tutus on a highwire. That should be the perfect segue!

Posted at 2/21/2007 8:50:22 am by gak
(6) Have Been Clubbed

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
One of those Days Already

I have a feeling I may be jumping back on this thing as the day goes on.... I'm late for a training but just HAD to ask:    Why the fuck do men think it's ok to clip their nails at work???  

I'm sitting in my cube hearing this "gink gink gink" from across the aisle.  Nails are probably flying everywhere.  It's personal grooming at work!  The sound makes me ill.

The only thing that's giving me hope for the world today is the fact that I participated in a "Diorama-Rama" on Saturday...  I think we could all change the world one shoebox at a time if given the opportunity!  I won "Best Use of a Secret Compartment" and although I'm not usually very competitive, the recognition felt great.  ;)

Posted at 2/20/2007 9:08:16 am by gak
(13) Have Been Clubbed

Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine's Day 2007

True story:

I get home last night and there’s the cutest little Valentine’s card and gift bag in front of my door.  My heart skips a beat for a moment, because there is a really cute guy in my building with whom I’ve been doing some extensive flirting.  Could it be?  A gift from him?  Or perhaps a secret admirer?

I reach down, pick up the bag – butterflies are jumping around my stomach, I’m so thrilled to be getting a Valentine’s gift!  I slowly open the card, and as I read it, my heart sinks:

Dear Zoe,

Will you be my Valentine?


Damn.  You know your life sucks when your dog gets Valentines and you don’t.  

Posted at 2/14/2007 8:10:49 pm by Nibs
(4) Have Been Clubbed

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